Sunday, December 21, 2008

I Thought This Was Funny

I have been out of commission for a few days because I've had that stomach virus that has been going around. I hope to be back to normal by tomorrow.

My friend Jamie emailed this to me, and I thought it was funny. So I thought I would share it with you because who doesn't need a laugh ?

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned
and cuddled my children on
demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor
and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a
shade tree on the
school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several
Christmases, since I
had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on
the back of a receipt
in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when
I'll find anymore
free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have)
and arms that don't hurt or flap in the
breeze, but are
strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy
aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in
the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd
like fingerprint resistant
windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a
television that doesn't
broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a
refrigerator with a
secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to
talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that
says, 'Yes, Mommy' to
boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who
don't fight and three
pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use
of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting
'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands off your
brother,' because my voice seems
to be just out of my children's hearing range and can
only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd
settle for enough time
to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or
the luxury of
eating food warmer than room temperature without it being
served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas
miracles to brighten the
holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare
ketchup a vegetable?
It will clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could
coerce my children to help around the house without
demanding payment as if
they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son
saw my feet under
the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.
Have a safe trip
and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come
in and dry off so
you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the
table but don't eat
too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,

P.S. One more can cancel all my requests if you
can keep my
children young enough to believe in Santa.


Mari said...

That's a good one! I hope you are feeling better soon.

Kristi said...

I loved that! I hope you are feeling better. We had that stuff in November and it was brutal.

HILLARY said...

Amen. I am SO leaving that note for Santa ;) Maybe you could ask him to make sure no one else gets sick!

(I enjoy your blog so much. You always have amazing ideas)

MoziEsmé said...

Hilarious! Way too much truth to this...

Jaina said...

That's too cute. Thanks for sharing. I hope you get to feeling better.